17 October 2012

Vote for me because I will do a better job of making your soup both hotter AND colder at the same time.

I didn't watch last night's debate (excuse me — "debate") because I have better things to do, like... ummm... anything in the world that isn't watching the "debate." (In reality I was learning how to fit Weibull distributions to some data I have. Joking aside, this was a more productive, more rewarding, and more fun use of my time.)

But I gather from some blog posts that both candidates accepted as a given that two things were both simultaneously desirable: lowering the price of fuel, and raising the price of tires.

WTF Voters?! Are really you so easily confused? How does this weak shit convince you to pull the lever for one of these imbeciles?

One of these days some candidate is going to hear another one of these bullshit questions and just snap. They can't all really be as dumb as they look. As craven, sure, but not as dumb. Sooner or later we're going to get someone up on that stage whose mind is just going to explode when he's asked to promise America for the millionth time that when elected everyone will get a magic pot of gold.

"No, you ignorant and rapacious dipshits, I refuse to pretend that it's a good idea to simultaneously raise and lower the cost of driving a car. I will not screw around with taxes that hurt 300 million of you to benefit a couple hundred people in Akron. I will not do this especially because the linchpin of my whole espoused tax philosophy is simplifying things so as not to play favorites.

"I will not be able to personally hire a single private sector worker. Period. I can get out of the way of the people who can, but I won't put some fabulously precise number on how many people will be employed just to lure you into thinking I have some kind of levers and knobs I can fiddle with to 'Create Jobs.'

"Also, be advised that me 'getting out of the way' will directly conflict with your desire to have me 'Do Something!' every time you get butthurt over some voluntary commercial transaction. If 'Do Something!' is what you want, that's fine, but there will be consequences.

"I will not be your Venture Capitalist in Chief. I will not bring back manufacturing or any other sector of the economy or type of production because you have the warm-and-fuzzies for the some mythical, half-remembered post-war boomtime. I don't care how much China or Germany or Pottsyl-goddamned-vania tax their citizens so their leaders can go long on some technology, I'm not doing that with my own money, and I'm sure as shit not doing it with yours.

"It will never be possible for everyone to live at someone else's expense. Not everyone will get a free college diploma and free kidney transplants and free Ortho-Cyclin and a free house and free god damned pony. Someone is paying for all that shit, and most of the time that someone is you, and I will not enable you sticking your head in the sand and pretending it all shows up thanks to some Fairy Godmother's bippity-boppity-booing. I will not promise you a free lunch, BECAUSE THEY DON'T F***ING EXIST."

And no one, not the moderator or the audience or his opponent, will have the faintest idea how to even begin to formulate a response.

Thus ends my fantasy.


  1. Very nicely said. (You actually had me at Weibull distributions.)

  2. Who doesn't love a good Weibull?

  3. *cheers wildly* (then realizes candidate is fictitious...) *weeps softly*