09 June 2008

Barack Obama, The Kwisatz Haderach

Mark Morford trots out some Fairy Godmother Theory of Government and asks "Is Obama an enlightened being?" Actually, this is beyond Fairy Godmotherism, because this whackjob probably believes in real fairies. Observe:
Many spiritually advanced people I know (not coweringly religious, mind you, but deeply spiritual) identify Obama as a Lightworker,* that rare kind of attuned being who has the ability to lead us not merely to new foreign policies or health care plans or whatnot, but who can actually help usher in a new way of being on the planet, of relating and connecting and engaging with this bizarre earthly experiment. These kinds of people actually help us evolve. They are philosophers and peacemakers of a very high order, and they speak not just to reason or emotion, but to the soul.
Wow. Did I just read that?
In the San Francisco Chronicle? Wow. By the way, the italics are in the original. He is not being metaphorical. The author really thinks electing a particular POTUS will actually alter the evolution of the human race forever.

Look, Barack Obama might be a fine president. (I doubt it.) He might be a swell guy. (Again, doubts.) He might lead us out of the dark days of the 20th Century and into a new golden age. (Whole piles of doubt.) But he is not a spiritual pitchfork tuned to the key of messianic leader. No amount of "powerful luminosity" or "unique high-vibration integrity" is going to solve your problems. You'd be better off putting your faith in a gnarly brew of basilisk eggs and cockatrice feathers.

Someone call Gene Healy. This transcends any notions of an Imperial presidency. This is a Caesaropapist Presidency.

People are on the verge of believing that Obama can make mountains tremble just by wiggling his nose, and after the mountains are done trembling everyone will get forty weeks of paid vacation and a new low-energy washing machine. I seriously feel like I'm about a week away from reading on CNN that if you add Obama's date of birth to his height in centimeters, and divide by the number of letters in his third grade teacher's name then you get an ancient Babylonian phrase which translates to "Healer of All Wounds," and furthermore, that chanting said phrase backwards twice a day constitutes a rational addition to the average American health regimen.**

Not only does Morford proclaim that Obama will change the course of human history by sending out a global Care Bear Stare of good vibes, he also hedges his bets and says that Obama will produce lots of corrupt bullshit.*** Which is it? A Great Shared Moment uniting us through high vibrational energy in the Void Which Binds, or four years of inside the Beltway log rolling and pork barreling and rent seeking? Which is it, Mark Morford?! I don't know what kind of mix-and-match, pseudospiritual, Robert Anton Wilsonian modern mythology you subscribe to, but I am pretty sure the Avatar of the Golden Dawn can not be just another Capitol Hill schmuck.

Attention voters: No one you can elect this fall, or any other fall, will make puppies shit rainbows, or pave the streets with lipitor, or rid the world of the gum disease known as gingivitis, or do any of the other semi-magical things you are ascribing to them. Cool out.

(Via Hit & Run and Alex Massie)

* !!!

Invoking Mesopotamian Gods of Healing may not be appropriate for women who are pregnant or nursing. Do not operate heavy machinery while invoking Mesopotamian Gods of Healing. Contact a doctor if symptoms persist. If you are considering cataract surgery, tell your doctor you have had contact with ancient deities.

*** "I'm also certainly not saying he's perfect, that his presidency will be free of compromise, or slimy insiders, or great heaps of politics-as-usual." How exactly is more politics-as-usual going to usher new Light into the world?

Update: SF Weekly seeks comments on "Lightworker" status from the Obama campaign. They respond "Ummmmm....?" Some important questions are raised, including:
3) Do “spiritually advanced people” have spiritually advanced degrees? Trophies? Certificates of participation? If not, how do you tell them apart from people who just believe in shit?

5) What the heck is “positive energy” anyway? I know it’s a term that gets thrown around here a lot, but… what is it? Is it a short hand for “stuff that makes people feel good” (like puppies)? Or will the next big breakthrough in physics at the hadron collider be to discover “positive energy” particles? Which you can tell apart from other particles because they’re more … um … positive?

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